I am twenty-eight years old, almost twenty-nine. For most of my life, up until the age of twenty-seven, I had no idea that I was gay.
When I found out I was gay I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself in such a way that no one would know that I killed myself because I didn't want people to ask why I killed myself and find out that it was because I was gay.
Now, two years later, I am still in awful pain. I am gay and I don't want to be. I am gay and I don't want to be who I am. Actually it's worse than that.
I'm gay and I'm in love with another man, completely in love. I'm in love with another man, who is also gay and who is also my coworker. I hate this more than anything I can think of.
I hate because of what it says about me. I hate it because of who he is. I hate it because of what it means I have to do, which is to marry him and live with him forever until I die. I can't wait to die
I can't wait to die so that I can be rid of this man, this pathetic, girly, gay, babyish man, who I'm in love with. I hate that I love him.
I love him because he's so pathetic. I love him because he has no friends. I love him because he's a loser, a zero, a nobody, just like me.
I love him because his sense of self worth is absolutely non-existent. He values himself so little. I would say he hates himself but self-hatred is more of a conscious process of actively trying to belittle yourself. He is so thoroughly and finally convinced that he is a zero, he's not even aware of it.
He is darkness and I think he's suicidal. Wouldn't you be if you were a pathetic, feminine, self-hating, nothing of a man?
At least I'm manly, and I'm handsome, and when girls meet me for the first time sometimes they stammer a little because I'm kind of cute and clean looking. Too bad I'm gay.
Too bad I'm gay, even though I pass for straight, except to other gay people, who see my gay eyes and plain as day.
Too bad I'm gay and no amount of writing will change that, no amount of writing will stop my heart of loving this other man with complete abandon.
I wish I weren't gay. I wish this other man didn't exist. He's such an embarassment to me.
It's so embarassing that I love this faggot. He's such a faggot and I mean that in the worst possible way. A limp-wristed, doe-eyed, lower-lip-sticking-out faggot.
What a terrible thing to say about someone. But I hate him so much and I hate myself so much. I hate that I love him.
I love him so much I wish he would die.
No I don't wish he would die. I just wish he would stop existing.
I wish he would stop existing, is that too much to ask? Or rather that he never would have existed? I wish he never would have existed so that he would expose this terrible part of me. This terrible gay part of me. I wish he never exposed me as gay.
Actually he didn't expose me as gay, another man did. Another gay man, who saw my gay eyes, who walked up to me and with complete certainty told me I was gay. He was so certain and so direct and so unwilling to back down that I finally believed him. I believed him because he was right.
I lived for twenty-seven years and had no idea I was gay.
I had sex with several girls and had no idea I was gay.
I had my heart broken over several girls and I had no idea I was gay. I had no idea I was a faggot. A worthless accessory of a human being. A woman.
Misogynistic you say? I guess I can't deny that. I can't deny my hatred. My male supremist mentality. That value is only what can be quantified and extracted. Value is building up a big bank account, measuring the inches of your dick, counting the number of children you have that go to ivy league schools, counting the number of grandchildren you have.
If I'm misogynistic then the whole world is. The whole world is misogynistic and the whole world is homophobic.
If we quanitify humans beings this way, reduce their value to numers then homosexuals are worthless. A worthless gay.
This man I love, and love knows no value, apparently, he is a worthless gay. He is gay, so gay, so completely gay. Prancing around, waddling around, not walking like a man but waddling around, apologizing to everyone, not standing up for himself, waiting for someone to pick him up and love him.
So pathetic, waiting for someone to take care of him instead of taking care of himself. Waiting for someone to love him.
I am exactly the same way. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate being such a pathetic faggot. Such a pathetic pussy, waiting around, hoping someone will fuck me. "Please fuck me, I'm so worthless."
"Boo hoo. I'm such a worthless faggot. Waaa waaaa. Daddy doesn't love. No one loves me. No one is going to come and take care of me no matter how pathetic I try to make myself. Putting tears in my eyes. Rubbing shit on my face. Flexing my brow and sticking out my lower lip. Boo hoo. I'm so pathetic."
How did I get to be such a worthless, piece of shit, pathetic faggot? Waiting for some real man to come around and fuck my ass and take care of me.
"Where is Daddy? When will Daddy take care of me? When will Daddy give me toys and make everything easy for me, make everything OK for me?"
Worthless faggot. Ridiculous faggot. Always begging, always pleading for help, always pleading to be loved.
Manipulative. Passive. Absurd. Trying to trick passerbys into pitying you, loving you, fucking your ass. Like a girl. Not even a girl. Not all girls do that. Trying to be as pretty as they can so some big man will come rescue them. Tearing down society from the inside.
"Come love me Daddy. Take care of me Daddy. I'm such bitch. I'm such a beggar. Use me. I am your tool."
"Use me. Love me. Fuck me. Crush me. Kill me. Destroy me. Obliterate me. Disentegrate me. Annihilate me. Pulverize me."
"I am so voluptuous God. I am so pretty. I'm so dainty and feminine. I smell nice. I dress nice. I am the prettiest flower in the field. Come fuck me God. Come destroy me. Please God. Only your powers can save me. Only you powers can heal me. Only your powers can erase all of time and all of my existence anywhere ever."
"Destroy me God. Destroy my faggot ass. Destroy me from the beginning of time. Destroy me completely no. Destroy me completely in the future. I want to be annihilated for you."
"I want to be annihilated for you and only you and because of you and unto you so that I can be completely your possession. I want to be destroyed for you God. I want to be removed for you God. I want to be sacrificed for you God."
"I'm Gay, God. I'm Gay for you. I'm Gay so you'll fuck me. So you'll love me. So you'll love and destroy me. Together in Gay Union. Glorious Gay Union. Your throbbing cock penetrating me. Deeply. Completely. Complete domination."
"Dominate me God. Dominate me completely. Humiliate me. Suppress me. Destory me. I submit to you God. In complete ecstacy I submit to you. Tear me open. Tear me open from inside. Fill me up. Infect me. Inseminate me. Cum inside me God. Cum inside me so hard it kills me."
Being gay is agony. The agony of craving domination. The agony of craving subservience. I am forever a servant. A servant of a greater man.
Being gay is destruction, self destruction.
"Love me Daddy. Love me."
Why do gay people exist?
"Love me Daddy. Fuck me Daddy. Destroy me Daddy. I want to die for you Daddy. I want to die instead of you Daddy. I am not worthy Daddy. I am not worthy."
"Fuck me so hard Daddy. Fuck me all night Daddy. Fuck me until I bleed Daddy. Fuck me until I am gay Daddy, gay for you, gay for you completely, I love you completely, I love you so deeply. Fuck me so hard Daddy."
"Fuck me Daddy. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me is all I know how to love. Fuck me is the only love I know. Fuck me is the only love I know."
"Fuck me is the only love. Fucking is the only love. Domination, submission, aggression, reception, penetration, acceptance. Fuck me is the only love I know."
"Fuck me hard and fuck me deep. Fuck my brains out. Fuck everything that I am. Fuck my ass, fuck my face, fuck my body, fuck my soul. Fuck me is the only love I know."
"Fuck me Daddy. Fuck me so hard."
"Fuck me, what other purpose is there? How else can I spend my days but roaming the other looking for Daddy to fuck me to death."
"My whole life is 'Daddy, fuck me to death. Fuck me so I can die in your arms. Fuck me so I can be destroyed unto peace.'"
"Destroy me unto peace. Destroy me to pieces. Destroy me to nothing. Grind me to bits. Grind me to nothing. Destroy me Daddy. Fuck me Daddy."